A Christmas Story

Tell us a story Daddy, said my eight year old as she and her brother were being shuffled into bed on the last school night before the Christmas holidays. One you make up, like the story about the robot who built bunk beds by pressing a button on a box.

Here was the challenge. Harder to achieve than getting on stage without a setlist. Donald Trump was due to be impeached the next day, so I set off on that tone.

It was coming up to Christmas and Santa was going through all his letters. He had one pile of letters that were from all the children in Ireland and beside that was a pile of letters twice as high, just from Donald Trump. Mr Trump had paid a scientist to write a computer program so that all he had to do was shout "Santa!", and a computer would print out a Santa letter. He didn't even have to write or think.

"Santa!"

- Dear Santa,

I want a helicopter

"Santa!"

- Dear Santa

I want a million dollars . . .

and so on

When Santa was going through all these letters he thought, "This isn't fair, Donald Trump wants more things than all the children in Ireland". Santa said to Mrs Claus, "We have to come up with a way to stop Donald being so greedy".

"We could get Rudolph to do a poo in his stocking", said an eavesdropping elf. My children broke into hysterics on this. Santa said "No, that wouldn't change anything". Mrs Claus said, "Well we can't give him everything he asks for, you would need two Christmas eve to deliver everything".

As Santa was reading other letters. He came across a letter by a boy named Paul.

- Dear Santa

My mum and dad said the bank want all their money if we are to stay in our house, and my mummy cries a lot. Please Santa can you give a present to my mum and dad instead of me this year. Then my mum wouldn't cry, and Christmas would be brilliant.

Thank you, Paul (age 10)

A tear ran down Santa's cheek. Here was a mountain of letters from a man who didn't even know what he was asking for, and yet here also was a letter from a boy who just wanted people to be happy.

Mrs Claus said, "That young man should be president one day". Santa agreed.

When Christmas eve came, Santa drove Rudolf straight to Paul's house first. The house was fast asleep, and Santa left a buckaroo under the tree for Paul. He then left a candle on the fireplace mantlepiece with a note,

- Dear Paul's mum and dad,

Here is a wishing candle for you.

Happy Christmas
From Santa.

On Christmas morning, Paul came down to the tree and saw buckaroo. He smiled to himself. Then he turned and saw the candle on the mantlepiece. He read the note and jumped in the air with joy. He ran upstairs and woke his mum and dad up. "Quick! Quick! Santa left you a present!"

Paul and his mum and dad had a happy Christmas. They had the first ever buckaroo world championships. Paul was the champion. When they sat down to dinner, the wishing candle was put in the middle of the table and lit. Everyone made a wish.

A few days later after Christmas, Paul's dad was back in work and his boss called him into the office.

The boss said to Paul's dad that he was a great person for the company, so he was going to double his wages. This meant the bank wouldn't have all their money from now on. When his dad came home and told mum and Paul, they danced and cried. Santa's wishing candle had worked.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world on Christmas morning, Donald trump woke up and went to his tree. There was no helicopter, there was no million dollars. But on the mantlepiece was a letter, with a Lapland stamp on it. He opened it.

- Dear Donald,

This is an automated response from Santa Industries. We confirm we have received your correspondence dated 27th September through to December 24th.

Due to scheduling, we are unable to process your order at this time.

We will keep your requests on file for 6 months. If you haven't heard from us in such time, you may assume the support ticket closed.

Thank you for your interest
Santa ™